


N° 136

by BeStill



Series: A dead boy is always right [2]
Category: Voltron: Defender of the Universe (1984), Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Keith (Voltron)-centric, M/M, goodbye letter, keith is pissed with lance even if he's dead, klance, lance is always dead, pissed off keith???, pretty honest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-06 02:29:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11026704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeStill/pseuds/BeStill
Summary: You told me that love, sometimes, is not enough - that I am allowed to hate you. I guess I should say thank you, at least.- Lance, you were so weak and in that moment I realized that those monsters were real and they were killing you before my eyes. I know I loved you right, I know that I loved you, but that day I kissed you trying to love even them.





	N° 136

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags and then you can go on!  
> If this topic can make you feel uncomfortable, please, go back!

Dear Lance,

This will be a letter in my defense, so if you are going to read it be sure to be ready.  
We both know that you will never do this, but somehow it helps me to think — even just for a second — that you may be there, holding this sheet.  
I never talked much when you were here, and what I have now are just those words that I was unable to admit. You know, sometimes I try to scream them out loud. I always fail. Even now you could hear me and judge me. What if I really hate you, Lance? _Have I ever loved you_?  
Here you will not find excuses for your behavior, no “it was my fault too”, no “I am sorry”, no “I was wrong”. Because I was _not_. Because you should be the one to be sorry. Because you were the toxic person. I need to write down those things that I cannot get out of my head, those memories that I still continue to worship and that are consuming me. I should hate them and I cannot. Can you imagine a scenario like this? I tell myself every day that I should be brave enough to let you go. Every night I cry myself to sleep because you ruined me and probably I lost myself trying to love you enough to make you stay. It is so unfair that no one won. Not a battle, not a war, not even a fight. Not for you, not for me, not for us. Truth is, we were less than your disease.

You told me that love, sometimes, is not enough - that I am allowed to hate you. I guess I should say thank you, at least.

You are dead and apparently a dead boy is always right. You have to love a dead boy. _Fuck it_.  
I hate you and I am the one left here, the one that is crying for someone that would have murdered with his own hands. Because you were scary, because when I found you on the ground you were holding your head asking me to make the monsters disappear. There were no monsters, just you and me. And in that moment I thought “I want to go away from here”. Maybe I was the monster. I will never apologize for this. I will never apologize for the will to be free from you and your illness.

The last time that I saw you, you were dressed in white and it is so unfair that I felt the need to look away. You were in Hospital and everything was accusing me that I was not enough. I knew I was enough. Even if I was the monster, I could have been the monster able to destroy the others, the one that could have been there for you.  
In that moment, when you walked inside the room, I could have count your ribs. One, two, three... Maybe touching them I could have broken them. _So fragile, so fragile_.  
Lance, you were so weak and in that moment I realized that those monsters were real and they were killing you before my eyes. I know I loved you right, I know that I loved you, but that day I kissed you trying to love even them. They told me “ _he is ours_ ” and took you.  
I would have smashed their faces, screaming to them that you were mine instead, but your face was yours and the only thing that I was able to do was caress your skin.  
I am angry and even if now it is a year from your death I cannot forgive you. Not because you are dead or because I miss you. I do miss you, but hate is something that I can manage better than love, if who I love is not here.

Do you remember the stars? Do you remember how we talked about the Universe?  
Sometimes I go outside in the night to see how God is great in what He has created. To remember that He did not just took you from me, but also has put in the sky something able to remember me that you were here. In those moments I cannot breathe, I cannot speak, I cannot feel, and maybe you were feeling the same. Maybe for you was worse because I have a reason, but you... You were alone with yourself, trying to protect me from you. Because yes, I was scared. You knew this. Why you were not mad at me?  
Oh, please, tell me that I wrong. Please, please, tell me you were fine. Tell me that you have died because you were a jerk, tell me someone else killed you, I can accept everything, but God, please, I cannot think that you died suffering like this and I was here, doing nothing. Please. Please.  
Lance, tell me that everything is wrong. Tell me why I started this letter hating you and now I just want to see you. I miss you and I am not brave, I am not strong as much as I want to show to the others, I am the person that you wanted to protect and now who can protect me from you?  
And those are the things that I wish I could be able to say, and that I will never pronounce.

 

(This is the letter n° 136 and as for the others I cannot go on from here, this is where I have to stop.)  
  
  
Keith.

 

**Author's Note:**

> See how Keith suffers is always my jam i cant pretend otherwise sorry dudes


End file.
